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Scroll down this page, or select a subject written by ARCHURE (hetero)
as per Psychology Human Sexuality class, taught by professor Ferguson at Saddleback College, Mission Viejo CA. Some info from other sources including Dr Ruth Westheimers Sex for Dummies and the highly recommended Idiots Guide to Amazing Sex by Sari Locker, as well as many other sources.
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Data in my articles, may vary with Kinsey statistics (1948-53) and studies listed by Kinsey (2006), likewise the 2006 studies vary from the 1948-53 studies. Reasons for difference include: who took the test samples, in what kind of environment, what they were trying to prove, the wording of the questions, who did they sample (people hanging out around the Sexual Freedom League? Monks and Nuns?, who?), etc. See links to Kinsey for their data as well: http://archure.net/psychology/sexlinks.html
EXAMPLE: regarding cheating in marriage, one study asks "In the past year", and another study "at any point within marriage", one study asks "cheated more than 3 times in one year", another example: Kinsey data states as many as 37 percent of men and 13 percent of women have been gay, but another report listed by Kinsey reports "6.2% of men and 4.4% of women are attracted to people of the same sex (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994)." My professor listed a higher percentage of women who have cheated than Kinsey does (where does he get his data? he was (is) the head of the Psych dept of a major California Community College (Saddleback), and is seen on cable TV shows by the college. So its good to compare various data. DO check out the Kinsey data as well http://archure.net/psychology/sexlinks.html
But keep in mind, there are many reliable studies with variable data (but checking it all out, you get the general idea). Note: the author of these web pages is straight, hetero, but has had good friends who were or are gay or bi.
DR. RUTH SAYS:
Dr Ruth Westheimer says...... Everyone needs a sexual outlet..... ....these people end up having better control over themselves. (Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer page 325
Stone Carvings from India, 2nd Century BC. We now know that the ancients not only knew about Sex, but practiced it religiously
BACKGROUND
ID: Sex satisfies the ID (pronounced as in hid or bid). The ID pertains to the Psychological factors, regarding basic bodily functions, which are satisfied by: drinking water, eating food, body waste elimination, and sex).
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EGO: The term EGO, is where humans satisfy the ID respectfully. i.e.. one does not have sex in public, one conforms to society by having sex privately**, one does not grab food with bare hands, one puts it on a plate.
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SUPER EGO: The term SUPER EGO, is where humans consider the needs of others: I have eaten today, there is not enough food to go around, you help yourself, I'll be fine. Most people develop an EGO, but only some develop a SUPEREGO (priests, vegetarians, volunteer workers, and sharing your spouse are all forms of this, they are options).
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SPERM FACTS:
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Men can make 50,000 Sperm per MINUTE as per Sex for Dummies Dr Ruth Westheimer pg 10 (there is no shortage of sperm). Thus many women have a false image that men need to save up to be an effective lover. Saving up may lead to sexual frustration, leading to complexes which affect ones personality, complexes such as irritableness, depression, anger, frustration, which all lead to further complications not only for the individual, but also their lover, and non-romantic contacts (love ones, family, friends, co-workers).
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OVER SEXED & UNDER SEXED is natural for some.
35% of women, and 16% of men, have from Hypoactive Sex Desire (HSD) otherwise known as a low libido or Lack of Interest in Sex (pg 207 of Human Sexuality: Opposing Viewpoints by Bender & Leone with this chapter by Jane Anthony HQ21.H744 1995); while 5% of people have (CSB) Compulsive Sex Behavior def. married, compulsively scans newspaper for porn ads, does 900# lines, goes to porn shops, goes to topless shows, then gets a massage, all on a frequent basis, aka, addicted to sex (commonly from repressed family upbringing that sex is un-natural and dirty (parents don't kiss in front of anyone, sex is viewed as bad, Catholic school, etc, leads to CSB). pgs 208-211
NEW! Low Libido Dysfunction in Women is curable http://www.archure.net/psychology/getsexy
LIBIDO by Archure
Low sex drive, or low desire for sex is termed “Low Libido”.
It is important for everyone to understand, that a “Low Libido” is perfectly natural for many people; at the same time, Medium and High Libidos are natural for others.
My Psych professor (Professor Ferguson at Saddleback College) pointed out that 35% of women have a low libido, while only 16% of males have a low libido. That blends to around 25% of the total population.
It is important to understand, in social situations, that women may be playing hard to get, for various reasons, it may be low libido, it may be fear of pregnancy, it may be fear of disease, women are more selective than men, in that it is a natural instinct for a woman to seek just the right man, who will care for her and her children (this instinct is natural in all women, even if they don’t want children, or can’t have children, or are too old to have children, the instinct is present).
So its important to realize, that low libido people, are outnumbered, and the world has had tried to force sex upon them; and in defending their preferences, low libido people have set up social barriers, which have imposed on everyone, impeding human sexuality for those who do desire sex, in order to protect the preferences of low libido persons.
Example 1: Three ladies out on the prowl, get dressed up and go out on the town, they find some guys who are interested, but one of the women (low libido) steers them away, for everyone’s benefit, but actually its only for her benefit.
Example 2: While it is only natural for young people to have sex, they are perhaps not ready for the social consequences of bearing children (do use protection, else you end up with a life time of commitments (children) over a brief sex fling, even if its deep love, use protection), so society protects young people with laws making it illegal for young people to have sex. And low libido people tend to go overboard in this protection, while the better attitude is to allow young people to have safe and protected sex (because its only natural to have sex after puberty (or even before), and suppression and oppression of human sexuality, is damaging to the basic instincts called the Psychological Id (the instincts to eat, drink water, use the restroom for body elimination, to have sex, to provide shelter (and one day it will be accepted that the urge to Transcend is also a function of the Id).
Example 3: Most major religions have long been oppressive of human sexuality (they tend to forbid many forms of sex which are only natural), and thus defenders of low libido women; who thus tend to flock to church, and with the protection they get from the church, they are in turn supportive of the gay clergy (more often than not).
So in this War of attempted penetration upon those who do not desire it, those with low sexual needs have built up a world of barriers against sex. Religious sin, illegal, immoral, dirty, filthy, socially unacceptable, messy, there are better things to be doing. While at the same time, the vast majority of people not only desire sex, but it is only natural and instinctive that they do, and it is only healthy that they have sex, but the world has made that very difficult.
Thus: in understanding that some people have low libidos, and it is their right, and they are only feeling what is natural for them; others desire sex, and should have it (every 2 days on average, withholding sex or delaying sex only causes physical problems and mental problems. Sex is Good (for those who desire it).
In the previous Example 1, with the 3 ladies on the prowl (one with a low libido), if all men and women fully understand that 35% of women and 16% of men have low libidos, then its OK if one doesn’t want sex, and its OK if the others do. Low libido people are often likely to still be interested in socializing, and they are often interested in getting married and having children (because that is a natural instinct) but for low libido people, in general it’s “Not tonight honey”.
That’s why I feel that sex before marriage is very important. However, low libido people can fool you, agreeing to have sex frequently to lure one into marriage, then its “Not tonight honey”. Therefore, its important for everyone to understand the concepts and validity of various degrees of libido, and to be honest with one another in seeking a match. (Who can blame the low libido person for not admitting it, or perhaps they are unaware and think that someone has mesmerized everyone else into thinking they want to have sex, but if a low libido person can understand, and if a high libido person can understand, then the world will be open to more good, safe sex. And the worlds oppression of human sexuality will be lifted, allowing natural sex, for those who desire it.
Even then, after centuries of sexual oppression, people have to find out, within themselves (and can get help for Psychologists if one thinks it might be needed) in order to find out, if they are adverse to sex because of the social barriers imposed upon them? Or do they really have a genuine low libido? If you do have a genuine low libido, perhaps less sex is better for you, but for those whose sexuality has been oppressed, it is important to face up to it, and put more sex in your life. Sex is messy and time consuming, but satisfies the natural basic instincts within us (most of us).
It is my estimation that many men have resorted to homosexuality due to societies oppressions of them having sex with women. Only 5% to 7% of men are born gay, but at any given time at least 10% to 15% are gay (and at least 25% of men have gone that direction at some point in their lives). So at least 50% of gay men, were not born that way, they were perhaps pushed that way, forced that way. Is it OK for men who were not born gay to be gay? Of course it is, but perhaps some of those men would be happier, if they only understood that the rejection of them by women was due to 35% with low libidos.
Now statistically, if
35% of women have natural low libidos
16% of men have low libidos
15% of men are gay/bi
7% are really gay (inside out, not forced upon them).
Then perhaps if we matched up Low Libido women with Low Libido men and Low Libido women with Gay men (gay men often get married and have large families, they just hang out with the guys in their spare time), then that would match up 16% of low libido men combined with 15% of gay/bi men, that’s 31% of men, matching up well with 35% of low libido women.
In the mean time, its also good to realize, that the 35% is not cut and dry, it is a gradual thing, some women have a very low libido, some women a mildly low libido, some women have a slightly low libido. Some people are over sexed, and it would be good to match them up with each other, and its very important to realize that it is only natural for some people to be oversexed.
Thus it is important to Communicate, to be aware of ones own libido, and to allow others to be themselves, and to be aware and to understand others needs and desires, within social situations. Even in the work place, I am aware that some women (apparently) have a low libido and some women have a high libido, and they all have a right to be that way, and one should not put another down because of their natural libido.
Women and Men can fool you, they might have a low libido but may not want to admit it due fear of being a social outcast, or they may have a high libido and may be afraid of being labeled a sex pervert.
Time and Social Pressures, Age and Health, all can take their toll, but contrary to what low libido people would like everyone to believe, sex does not start at age 25, nor does it stop at age 45 (unless you don’t want sex, in the mean time its good to have some sex anyway, just for physical and psychological reasons, if you don’t want it with someone else, you can have it by yourself). Sex starts at puberty (or before), and lasts well into old age (people in their 90’s do it, and well they should, it’s healthy). Dr Ruth Westheimer’s (famous sex therapist psychologist) web site sent me an email (on her mailing list) proclaiming that "May is Masturbation Month" (well they didn’t tell me till mid May, Ive got a lot of catching up to do).
So sex has been TABOO, but the Educated Scientific World says that SEX IS GOOD, SEX IS HEALTHY, have SEX when you want it (in privacy, with a consenting person, or by yourself), and physically, its good to have on average every 48 hours.
Thus we need to not only COEXIST but be supportive and cooperative with each others levels of libidos. Since I have become aware of this, I find socializing in groups (non-sexual socializing, such as at work) much easier, in that I respect peoples libido levels as natural for them, and treat them with friendliness, kindness, and respect.
I saw a book at Borders Books (Psychology/Sex section) entitled “I’d Rather Eat Chocolate” (for low libido women, or for understanding them and supporting them). It must be tougher on a man, because only 16% of men have a low libido, what if one in 6 men doesn’t want to go out and get laid? His friends should respect him, but not hold their own sex lives back on his account, (and I cant help but wonder if in the investigation process, perhaps that was someone’s label for gay men?, Certainly there are straight men with low libidos, and I estimate, they probably are overrun by low libido women seeking refuge).
The author is straight, has a higher than average libido, which has diminished slightly due to oppressions of the world, health, age. I do recommend DHEA hormones (over the counter at most health stores, good for sex, good for anti-aging, good for better sleep, better health, thus good for low libido people too). Also note: famous vegetarian health advocate John Robbins has written a shocking article about the worlds lowed sperm count due to pesticides in foods, etc, its serious stuff, if it affects your sex glands, it also affects your entire endocrine systems (liver, kidney, pituitary, thyroid….). Go Organic, Go Veg.
Stone Wall Carvings from India 2nd Century BC
From this we now know that the Ancients not only knew about sex, but practiced it relgiously
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Rule #1:
have sex with a mutual consenting adult.
Rule #2:
USE PROTECTION .
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PROPER STIMULATION OF WOMEN
(what men need to know about women).
Many women have never had an orgasm with their husband. This large percentage of women is gradually decreasing, but more communications, education, and concern needs to come about, lest many women suffer from sexual frustration, affecting their spouse and others around them.
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More women prefer Oral Sex (preformed upon them) over regular sex. The reason being, often, regular sex does not stimulate the clitoris enough (Religion: oral sex is not a sin as long as actual full sex is at some point eventually achieved, the church just wants to see the human race continue). EFFECTIVE FOREPLAY is the Solution to lack of proper stimulation for women (a long time common problem). During Foreplay, you may Also want to try using Marital Aids (VIBRATORS: check out www.adameve.com AND/OR Dr Ruths Newsletter links to http://www.babeland.com/), and of course Manual Stimulation can also be effective as well. All 3 combined are probably your best bet, but in the long run, the most effective by far is the Vibrator, when used properly (with strokes moving inwards, towards the inside of the vagina, passing the CLITORIS along the way, as moving opposite that, in a withdrawing direction, causes de-stimulation (non-effective). Also note, many women prefer INDIRECT stimulation to the clitoris (its a sensitive issue, which she must fully discuss with her lover). But there are TWO KINDS OF ORGASM IN WOMEN, CLITORAL ORGASM, AND G-SPOT ORGASM.
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G-SPOT or GRAFENBERG SPOT: is for real, not a myth, and is located (if a woman is on her back) just inside the vagina at 12 O'clock just inside from the clitoris, around one inch or so (has a rough feel to it). Stimulation to the clitoris is one kind of orgasm while stimulation to the G-spot another kind of orgasm, BOTH at the same time is even BETTER of course, and can be done during foreplay with some talent, skill, and practice.
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FOREPLAY DURATION: 10 MINUTES minimum, 20 MIN optimum (not 4).
VERY IMPORTANT: Women need more time to warm up than men, women need 10 minutes foreplay minimum but 20 minutes is the optimum amount of time. It makes a big difference in the pleasure and quality of sex (women tend to say ok ok go to it after only 4 minutes foreplay, men need to wear a watch or have a timer resulting in better loving for both men and women).
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CLEANLINESS:
Ahmmm. Ladies (long pause), Men have to go down there, we live down there, please keep it as clean as possible. Thank You. During Foreplay, you may want to try using Marital Aids (VIBRATORS); more about this later (I think this deserves its own page). Many women unfortunately take a dim view of properly cleaning themselves, and often take a misguided stance with comments such as its not natural to be too clean down there. This unfortunately reduces the proper stimulation of women during foreplay, and reduces their chance of orgasm, or reduces the orgasm to a lesser enjoyed level. IF a women chooses to not go to the extra effort to be courteous to her lover by being extra clean, then he has the options of both Manual stimulation, and Vibrators (very effective). The mechanical Vibrator is the overall most effective form of foreplay, however, all 3 methods employed simultaneously is perhaps the best; and Vibrators may stimulate the clitoris, while manual stimulation of the G-Spot at the same time, can be very effective (perhaps better yet, 2 vibrators?).
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STREP
Regardless of cleanliness, Women are carriers of STREP (carried inside her vagina (and anal cavity too)), and a man can get STREP thru oral sex with women. Once over it, a man usually becomes immune to the woman's Strep. However, if a man goes out and has a relationship with another woman, he can still catch Strep from another woman. Thus, a woman can possibly tell if a man is cheating on her, if he comes down with another case of the STREP. Strep can also be acquired from non-sexual contact, so it is not an absolute thing that he has been out having a relationship, just a possibility. Strep can range with various viruses which were going around 10 years ago in different areas of the world. So one woman from one area of the country may carry different collections of viruses, than another woman, and some may be the same, perhaps a man may have had one or two of them, but not all. Once he is immune, he is generally considered immune (an effective argument in favor of long term relationships).
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AFTERPLAY (Making Babies, an option)
Foreplay is important but it is After Play that generally gets women pregnant (causing the uterus contractions to pull up the sperm to the right location, so if you are trying to have little ones...). However, lack of After Play is of course, not an effective method of birth control. After play can also be used to show your consideration and love for your spouse, and effective method of greater love.
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Stone Wall Carvings from India 2nd Century BC
From this we now know that the Ancients not only knew about sex, but practiced it relgiously
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PROPER STIMULATION OF MEN
(most women don't know this and need to learn)
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SENSITIVITY IN MEN: the most sensitive area is not the bell shape tip (which is Not sexually sensitive at all, that must be why men are termed insensitive), but right beneath that (as a man is standing up with erect penis, the underside is way more sensitive than the top side). DIRECTION of Stimulation: a stroke to a mans penis as if moving inward causes physical erection, a stroke in the opposite direction (from bottom towards top, as if withdrawing) will loose the erection (and of course, a woman should be stroked in an inward direction during foreplay).
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PREMATURE EJACULATION
Is a common problem in many men. One of the most effective solutions being the Squeeze Technique which may be employed by either himself or his lover. This involves proper stimulations (see above paragraph), and just before climax and ejaculation, the bottom or base of the penis is squeezed to attempt prevention of ejaculation, which sometimes works at first, later working more effectively, till eventually the man lasts much longer, thus after many sessions, and over time of this Physical Training, this brings greater pleasure for his woman partner when actual sex is found to last longer. Also helping in this respect, is the attitude, that Sex is not for a man's pleasure, sex is to arouse a woman to orgasm and great pleasure, after which, eventually, a man will or course have his thrill of orgasm and pleasure. That is the right attitude for a male to have with his female lover, and it will help, both on a physical and emotional/social level.
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PUT THE 2 TOGETHER RIGHT:
This section puts these 2 other segments together propoerly
http://www.archure.net/psychology/sex.html#foreplay
http://www.archure.net/psychology/sex.html#stimulate
Yes, the face to face missionary position tends to be favored, but in that position the man is trying to rub one direction (away from the clitoris and G spot, or towards the back of the vagina interior), and the woman is rubbing in the other direction, towards the front of a womans vaginal interior (not effectively stimulating the lower side of the mans penis), this results in a Battle of the Sexes, both physically and mentally (in the long run). SOLUTION: Where as, with a woman in a face down position (in a doggie style type of sex or variations of this, where the man views the back of a woman's neck) the most sensitive area of a man (under side of penis) and the most sensitive area of a woman (the G spot) are simultaneously stimulated in a mutually satisfying manner, resulting in better physical pleasure, and in the long run, a better resultant relationship of happiness on all levels. RESISTANCE to this has been found: Some women tend to take it personally as an offense when a man wants to do it this way, as she thinks he is fantasizing of another woman by not looking at her face, but in sex studies of not only Humans, but also of Bonobo Chimps (Anthropologists study them, as they are so human like in behavior, and by the way the Bonobo species is very oversexed having sex quire frequently), Anthropologists (and Psychologists) note that (in both genus species) both the male Bonobos as well as male humans, tend to close their eyes during sex with females, it is a natural instinct, not a rejection of the female. And, it is noted that the Back of a woman is, visually, is very seductive, and very inviting to a man. Thus a good Photo for a Love Ad (online dating), is a woman with her back to the camera, with her head turned looking back at the camera (excellent photo, most attractive to a man). Also, if a man and women have not been getting along in a relationship, any doggie style variation of sex to the point of orgasm (hopefully for both) very often will help the relationship in many other non-sexual ways at a later time, such as getting along in the car, or at social gatherings. THUS the General Rule of Not getting along? Turn her over Face Down and do it that way, for the sake of the relationship (as well as better sex). {NOTE: Doggie Style is the natural way of sex, done by most animals, we humans are animals too, lest we forget we are, and be swept away with the illussion that we are Gods or near Gods, not Animals}. Scientifically we humans are a Great Ape (along with Gorillas, Orangutans, Chimpanzees, Pygmy Chimps (Bonobos), and Samangs ("howlers monekyes", a great ape, not really a monkey, there are Great Apes, Lesser Apes, we are a Great Ape (eat more bananas, they contain neuro-transmitters, which keep us civilized).
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So go ahead and try sex in all sorts of positions, but face to face and variations do cause a battle of the sexes (on many levels, Physically & Psychologically); while any doggie style variations create a harmony of the sexes. With this in mind, truly the Missionary or Face to Face position is really the Perversion and deviation from the Natural doggie style way. A healthy occasional perversion, face to face love, but just don't get carried away with it, else the relationship may suffer. Do it the Natural way (with her, face down).
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WHEN?
Dr. Ruth Westhiemer says you should have sex when ever you feel like it (or was it Dr Joce Brothers? I'll have to find the quote later).
Sex should be had at all times of the month, sex should be had frequently, the more often, the better (unless you personally feel otherwise, some people tend to be more sexed than others, sex should not be forced, but it is good to encourage more sex for most people), my personal views are, that certainly sex is messy and time consuming (so are relationships), but it satisfies a basic natural instinct (and is well worth any trouble). So take the time to plan some extra time for sex (and its is also good to allow extra time for Sleep as well, but that is another subject for another web page, both Sleep and Sex are very important to your whole being). SEX 3.5 time per week is the National Average (and America is sexually hung up compared with France and Sweden). So try and have sex more often.
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SEX FOR OLD PEOPLE
"The youth culture would have us believe that sexual pleasure is the birthright of the young, that old people shouldn't be thinking about sex, and that imagining old people having sex is distateful. None of this is true. People who have been sexually active early in life often continue to be throughout life, as long as their physical health permits them to be". -Andrew Weil M.D. (pg 202 "Healthy Aging")
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DESIREABILITY & ATTRACTION
Women seek a good provider (nesting instinct) It's money that matter. However, potential for money, such as Intelligence (and education) are also desired characteristics. Cleanliness and Physical attraction are also important factors, from both gender standpoints.
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LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH? BETTER YET, DON'T EVEN LOOK
Women are more selective (picky) than men (women's nesting instinct versus men's urge to get every woman, a man will be satisfied with most any woman, but a woman must select the right man to help raise a child and have a family, this is a natural instinct in women, even if women don't want or cant have children), thus truly, women should select men (as in dating clubs, or women asking men out on dates). In dating clubs, 90% of the women date 10% of the men, only the very best men (due to women being so picky). All to the woe of the other 90% of men who don't dates (losers and jerks as per women).
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COMMITMENT
Men have wandering eyes (women don't like it, it destroys relationships, its a natural instinct in men to attempt to get as many women pregnant as possible, in order to pass on ones genes, but men and women need to negotiate and work together). A committed man must never flirt with other women at a party. However, a man must never try to smother a woman. He must allow her to chat with other men at parties and social gatherings. Wait a minute, that seems a bit unfair doesn't it? I think the real bottom line is DESERVING TRUST (which some do not deserve). Some people use Jealously as a tool of Aggression, in an attempt to bully their spouse (often this bullying is by one and not the other); which is not a healthy relationship. True The Grass is always Greener on the other side of the fence, but There is No place like home. It is OK to socialize with others as long as your spouse feels safe with your socializations. BE CONSIDERATE OF THE ONE YOU LOVE (which is important on various levels).
Although most women view themselves as superior to most men; Men and women are equals (yet different of course) as per Desmond Morris (of course, he is a man). So don't be a sexist, and don't put up with sexism.
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CHEATING
1) 50% of American married couples cheat
2) Women are more likely to cheat than men.
3) Women tend to be more forgiving than men.
You choose to live with them, to share your lives together. If any cheating occurs, don't let it spoil a relationship. Sometimes cheating is a form of one upping (bad attitude stemming from aggression). Sometimes it stems from love (better attitude). The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. but there is no place like home
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The 50% who do cheat, does not happen very often (as per the Penguin Atlas of Human Sexuality), at least not in the USA, while those sexy Russians go out and have fun on the side quite often. As per the Owner's Manual for The Brain by Howard (interesting, informative, but not 100% accurate), that 50% is only 25% (perhaps the 25% data figure was in the last year, while the 50% data figure was over a few years). This is undoubtedly a product of the elimination of Religion in 1917 when the Czar and Church were both ousted. Religion, although effective in teaching Moral Principals, and dealing with life's Joys (marriages and births) and Crisis (deaths of loved ones), as well as the joys of weekly ceremony and social groups, is Unfortunately a Deterrent to Sex. Facts are that the more that people go to Church, the Less Sex they have, very unfortunate to hear. Probably due to 1) most priests are not allowed to marry, 2) outdated taboo's against various aspects of sexuality (which at one point helped or where thought to have helped society), and 3) many priests are gay, and often oppressed, thus leading them to unfortunately oppress others in deep seated revenge of aggression (aggression has its own page, which I hope you will read).
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America's Sexuality is considered to be hung up.
while Sweden, France and some South Pacific Islands are less Sexually hung up than America, having much healthier attitudes towards sex (so say Psychologists and Anthropologists). In France it is generally more acceptable to have a relationship on the side; and so do educated persons in the field of Psychology consider a little affair on the side to be healthy as long as it does not ruin a relationship. If one partner does it, the other should of course be allowed also, and USE PROTECTION under any circumstance. If you are married, you do not Own your spouse, you choose to live your life with, and share life with your spouse.
IT IS ONLY NATURAL TO DESIRE OTHERS
and be physically attracted to others, the grass is always greener on the other side. Thus an ideal relationship will allow some occasional fun on the side, without hampering the marriage, in fact it can help a relationship. The exclusivity of traditional marriage stems from the man wanting to make certain that any children born are truly his, one can have relationships on the side and still guarantee the husband to be the father, if planed parenthood and birth control techniques are used. Men tend to not want to raise another mans children, as a man wants to father his own children, the instinct to pass on ones own genes.
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ITS OK TO NOT CHEAT
50% of American married couples have not ever, and the other 50% do not do it all that often (except in Russian where they do get it on quite often, and some other countries too). You do not have to cheat. But Psychologists do consider the official healthy attitude to be having an affair on the side, should only enhance your love life with your spouse in the long run (but only with proper attitudes, mutual spousal acceptance, and not forcing the issue, else, leave the cheating alone).
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I have heard that in some Eskimo cultures, that a man shares his wife with male visitors. While I lived in Marin Co CA back in the 1970's, some couples had open marriages (I have never been this bold, but admit that I am attracted to many women). In today's world, many couples are privately swingers (again, I have not been so bold)
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If you are in the 50% that does not have an affair, that is fine too. But if it ever happens, don't let it ruin things, let it enhance your love life.
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SUMMATION: Cheating (having an affair) does go on, but not often. 50% of American married couples do have fun on the side (women more than men, so men, if your woman cheats on you, don't gloat, don't get a divorce, go out and have some fun on the side, and enjoy your wife 360 nights a year, so you and your spouse, please.....
USE PROTECTION if you do cheat, don't feel forced to cheat, and most important (and complex, if you could only understand) do not use Cheating as a tool of Aggression against your spouse. Sex should come from love, not from hate; and cheating should only occur if mutually acceptable, and only with trust of each other (these are Ideals, the Reality which most face is another story, but there is something in attempting to live the Ideal Existence, from a university studied and accepted manner (and even they can be wrong from time to time, but more often, Science is right, will help your life in many ways (and Religion which hundreds of years ago once led the world in both Education and Science, now has quite a bit of catching up to do). One can share and be considerate without harming nor diminishing ones own life (that's the best attitude).
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have SAFE SEX (be you single or having an affair)
Dr Ruth Westheimer is always saying SAFE SEX
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FEAR OF SEX (male perspective):
Admittedly, I am afraid of sex. Certainly I chase after women, trying to seduce them, but when the chips are down what if she has some disease?, what if she gets pregnant?, will having sex mean that I can never have sex with anyone else ever again?, what if we get involved and she turns out to be bossy, cruel, and mean?, what if we get married and then she no longer wants sex?. USE PROTECTION is one major big help on many levels.
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I have noticed, that when I am in a committed relationship, that many women find me very attractive and try to seduce me (trying to steal me away from my lover), but that when I am single and available, I can just forget it, now where's that at? Its just the human race. Analogy: men chase women like dogs chase cars. So when a dog chases a car, barking and growling; what if the car stops? what is the dog going to do if he catches the car? I yearn & chase after sex with women, yet I fear it as well. One might suppose that the satisfaction is in the chase?, but no, the satisfaction is in the act of sex and full orgasm. And women find some sort of Satisfaction in scoring in taking away a man from his lover. Thus, it is probably best to CHANGE RELATIONSHIPS in this manner (not the usual way it has happened to me in the past, I usually get dumped by the woman, rather than some woman stealing me away).
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They typical Marriage in the USA is around 4 years and then tag an extra few years per child born during the relationship. That is the Reality. While the Ideal of previous years is Life Long Commitment (this trend is now fading, yet still possible, and still exists, not just for the older generations), which has some great rewards, and some drawbacks, especially for those who were mismatched. But its up to you, and your spouse. I was looking for a life long commitment, but never found it. PREVIOUSLY, lets say the 1950's and before, men chased after women but were afraid of commitment, while women sought life long commitment, and suffered from being had and trashed by men. NOW thru the magic of Role Reversal, Greater Population Density, and in my opinion coming nearer to the realization that truly Women Now and always have Ruled Over Men, we find that men seek women, women mock men for their lust after them, women resist men, women charge men (the worlds oldest profession, be it a hooker, or a date who wants a dinner, flowers, a movie, and a gift, or a wife who wants the house), and women trash and dispose of men, just as men were accused of such back in the 1950's. However, I truly find that back in the 1950's, men's attitudes were the Real Role Reversal, and now we are beginning to come down to Brass Tacks, dealing with an ever changing situation due to GREATER POPULATION DENSITITY as well as better standards of living for everyone thanks to Science and Technology, thus Social Freedom has been achieved. YET, we still NEED SEX. Sex is good, Sex is Natural, we have been thru hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, and we don't change that much, physically or emotionally, we are the same animal we were before the first pyramids (which is scary, because before the pyramids they practiced Human Sacrifice and Slavery (and a few societies afterwards too), not to mention a continual onslaught of Aggression, be it War, or Gangs, or Family Disputes or Road Rage, these were all documented in Plato's time, nothing has changed, EXCEPT Greater Population Density and Greater Communications, and this is the opinion of the world of Science, not just my opinion, I have heard this from many professors and experts, that we are the same animal which roamed in caves. So pardon my attempts to keep society Civil, by promoting Education, and Vegetarianism http://www.archure.net/salus/vegetarian.html which experts say has a much healthier solution, both on a physical and emotional level.
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SEX & MENTAL HEALTH:
Most people with Psychological complaints turn out to have either 1) Lack of Sex, or 2) Lack of Sleep.
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DR. RUTH SAYS:
Dr Ruth Westheimer says...... Everyone needs a sexual outlet. In an ideal world, that outlet would come in the form of a spouse. But many people, for whatever reason, cannot find a permanent partner or even a series of irregular partners. That they end up taking their sexual frustrations out on others should not come as too big of a surprise. Given outlets for this sexual energy -- and erotica assists greatly for one such outlet, masturbation -- these people end up having better control over themselves. (Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer page 325)
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Dr Ruth Westheimer says..... In my opinion, prostitution should be made legal everywhere in the United States, not just Nevada. I held that opinion before the onset of AIDS, and now I believe in it even more. (Sex for Dummies by Dr Ruth Westheimer page 324)
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Dr Ruth Westheimer says..... In ancient times, prostitution was generally accepted; in some cultures it was even linked with religion, as 'temple' or 'sacred' prostitution. Cultures in which prostitution flourished included those of ancient Greece and Rome, Persia, China, and Japan. But while prostitution is legal today in many European countries, in the United States it is outlawed in all states but Nevada. (Encyclopedia of Sex by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer page 222)
Genuine Legal Brothal http://mabelswhorehouse.com/ but I would not use your Credit Card there, not because of the brothal, but because of what the Bank would do to you if they saw that on your bill (like calling your work number and office and talking with your co-workers to verify a charge to XXX Ranch, bankrupting you). Some people who have not studied psychology in college, mistakenly think prosititution is evil, and also think they can be evil to people who pay or recieve money for sex, like that is some sort of excuse to hurt people. The educated elite say different, much different. Even if Mables Ranch is a real place, its hard to find, I would call, disscuss it, print out a google map and its easy to miss the turn to HWY 160, but its easy enough to find if you know its 5 minutes drive from MERCURY NEVADA (US Air Force Top Secret Installation, top staff fly in and out all the time, but its all top secret "Sorry honey, another mission, I'll be gone a week"). From Las Vegas, drive North West out the 95 Freeway, after and hour or so of driving, when you pass Mercury Nevada (Area 51 Military only), prepare to make a left turn, then turn right onto a dirt road (even then its hard to find). OK, I admit I went out there, years ago, and I used my credit card, and was soon fiscally ruined, for many years. All because, not enough people bother to study Psychology in college. I would rather have a girlfriend anyway (not easy to find one, I know, I have tried), but one should not be condemed for going. According to the educated experts.
I am not certain, if this is the EXACT BUILDING or NOT? but I think this is it (the streets are all dirt roads and unmarked, but this should be enough to find it), its been many years since I was there
GOOGLE MAPS Mables Ranch??? http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=36.577490,+-116.471697&ie=UTF8&ll=36.511486,-116.185339&spn=0.003467,0.006609&t=h&z=17
ONCE AGAIN, NOT CERTAIN OF THE EXACT BUILDING
And just a Stones Throw from GOOGLE MAP: MERCURY NEVADA top secret Air Force Installation
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I say, I would rather have a long term relationship, as short term relationships although desirable (variety is the spice of life), are too few, and too far in between; and besides, long term relationships are deeper, with more love and affection. However, I take what I can get (which isn't very much, sad to say)
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VITAMINS & MINERALS:
It helps one to take......
A) a Multi Vitamin
B) a Multi Mineral (or combination of both)
More specifically, Vitamin E is helpful towards sex (for both genders). Women need Iron, and men need Zinc (helps create Testosterone, the male hormone). Zinc supplements can be found where ever vitamins are sold. 50 mg per day is a nice healthy dose for a man.
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** note 1: PRIVACY, there is no privacy, the kids are listening, the neighbors are listening, go ahead and have sex anyway, don't let the lack of privacy in the world diminish the amount of sex you have, as there is no privacy in the world, just go in the bedroom and turn on some nice music, if the world snoops (not polite) you'll just have to do it anyway.
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addendum to note 1:
The Human Brain has not changed much in the past million years -Desmond Morris, and the Human Mind and Human Body has not changed at all in recorded history (past 10,000 years). Cave dweller primitives were basically the same as we are today, except we now have technology & the evolution of culture. (This was written after viewing CBS's Face the Nation 12/26/99 with discussion of more of the same). Yet we are dealing with the same basic people as 100,000 years ago, who have a longevity of around 80 years (same as Ben Franklins parents, in his autobiography) if we take care of ourselves (and perhaps 100 years old if we are lucky). So we pass things from generation to generation (education). Yet we suffer from fear of death, resultant aggression, and sometimes a resultant repulsion from education and knowledge, resulting in ignorance. Thus, amidst our marvels of technology, we find a vast sea of primitives, who shun knowledge and truth, and are guided by self centered, ineffective common sense. (Common Sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen -Albert Einstein). We live in a world of near morons, who just don't care; save a few intellectuals & geniuses who are trying to make life better for all, all to no avail, as the vast sea of primitives just don't care and take it all for granted, abusing the quality of life we all could enjoy.
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note 2: this article, written by Will Chris Holley, covers heterosexuality (sex between opposite sexes), as I am a heterosexual (I am attracted to women only), I respect others in their lifestyles and desires (some people where born gay, I was not). I want everyone to know, that I myself am attracted to women only (both the way I choose to live, and the way I was born).
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note 3: sex is a private thing, yet it helps to have a good sex education, so pardon my writing on a traditionally taboo subject.
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note 4: note: that there is a tendency towards attraction between older males and younger women, as well as an attraction between younger males and older women.
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note 5: when sharing a bedroom, there might be some extra gas, light a candle to burn off the gas. Put a plate underneath the candle, don't leave it unattended, and don't put it near any curtains.
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note 6: USE PROTECTION
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SLANG:
When a women really blows her stack at a man, she refers to him as a Jerk, which has never phased me at all (right guys?). But when a woman is just mildly being rude, she might refer to a man as being a Fag (she accuses), because he practices Autoeroticism, this has more of a tendency to anger a male (but 99% of men have performed self stimulation). Yet women brag of their Vibrators. Women tend to deny men, and complain when they have sex anyway (women's grab for power, the best thing to do is have sex, there is more power in having sex).
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When a man refers to a woman as a slut, it is sometimes a complement coming from a male, as he is saying she dresses attractively and desires men, but from a woman's stand point being called a slut is an outrage of an insult (as if she dresses so revealingly because she likes or is trying to attract Men, of all the nerve, men, JERKS), but to make reference to her vibrator is a complement to any woman, because she doesn't need a man.
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Breasts (and especially Breast Size) are status of importance between women. When women fight on the Jerry Springer show, they display their breasts to one another; and yes, some men dutifully state that they love women's breasts more than anything, but for the most part we men just want what's down there, the size of a woman's breasts mean little to me, in fact I like small ones better (but of course I still do like large ones too). The SIZE of a womans breasts are not important to a man, but are very important to a womans status, within womens social groups.
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There is way more to know on this subject of SEX and HUMAN SEXUALTIY
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Suggested Books & Study:
ESO Extended Sexual Orgasm
Books by Desmond Morris
Sex for Dummies by Dr Ruth Westheimer
Encyclopedia of Sex by Dr Ruth Westheimer
anything by Dr Joyce Brothers
Evolution of Human Sexuality by Donald Symons
Idiots Guide to Amazing Sex by Sari Locker www.sarilocker.com
The G Spot by Ladas, Whipple, & Perry
The Multi Orgasmic Man by Chia & Abrams
Useless Sexual Trivia by Shane Mooney (interesting, but this book does not back anything up with references, still quite interesting, I do believe Professor Ferguson quoted from it, that was years back).
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take a college class in Human Sexuality
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search the web
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(medium high libido for women, no libido for men)
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ADDENDUMS CONTINUE:
Many women lure men with the possibility of Sex in order to get things from a man (attention, gifts, etc) and never come thru with actual sex or only limited sex. Luring Men and not coming thru with sex is a game of Status amongst some women. Or women putting men down, saying they are not worthy of having sex with them, in order to elevate themselves above men and amongst their women friends. While they are missing out on a greater than status pleasure, sex itself. Sex can be so easy, or it can be hard. Its best to Educate ones self in the subject, and with reasonable caution for health concerns, proceed forward and have sex. Due to so many women using sex as a lure, with little or no actual sex taking place, many men turn have turned towards the worlds oldest profession prostitution, where women often give themselves freely, for some money (perhaps many women would like to have more sex, but fear the ensnarements of a binding relationship). So some women turn against sex and use it as a lure, and some turn towards prostitution. (2 extremes) Why buy the cow, when you can charge a quart of milk on your ATM? -Will Chris Holley (just a joke, aren't I funny). I would rather have a loving relationship with sex, than a prostitute; but better sex, than no sex at all (but who can afford a prostitute, not I, and even if I could, I would prefer a relationship to a series of prostitutes, safer, healthier, and more intimacy, loving, sharing). But I myself have been unable to find a lasting relationship, and what relationships I have had have been very few. My life has been lacking in sex with women (and I am not attracted to men). It takes 2 to tango, thus I (and many other men) are sexually frustrated, when it could be so easy, I am willing to go the extra mile, to be fair and loving, and am a good lover, but apparently was born in a lower caste in many aspects (sexual, financial, social), and have only my intelligence and music talents as a strong point (of course I am also very good at sex, once in bed, it just have a hard time getting them into bed, or keeping them in bed, even though I am an excellent lover). Thus I have never fathered children and at age 46 probably never will pass on my genes (a natural instinct, blocked by oppression, a product of the worlds aggressions). But on the lighter side, I have been free to pursue my hobbies and studies, having no children to pester me every second I am away from work where I would be pestered by the company. There is no privacy in the world, no escape from aggression and oppression. One can only hope to live amongst it, dodge the stuff (pardon the expression, couldn't think of a better way of putting it), and try ones best to have a good time in spite of it all. But sex, sex is a fundamental desire and instinct of the ID (Psychological term), that no ones should try to escape. It is good to have sex, and despite my failures at attaining and maintaining relationships (and I am not the only one) STILL I PERSIST in joining dating clubs, withstanding continual rejection from women, withstanding rejection from women who run Human Resources depts., withstanding being fired (or let go) by men who run offices, for the real reason, for flirting with women, for liking women. One man can provide enough sperm to father thousands of children, and women have pointed this out to me, women don't need us men, women are showing a stronger tendency to raise children without a husband. Women don't need men. I am lucky to have survived. It is not as civilized of a world as I was taught in school. I have not been able to get a job, get married, and raise a family (which was my choice to do, but was unable to, due to an oppressive world). Oppression is nothing new, and Evolutionary Biologists point out that the human species is the same now as we were 500,000 years ago (and recorded history goes back only 12,000 years). Look at all the oppression and aggression we have suffered in the past 12,000 years. While Anthropologist point out that Bonobo apes have replaced Aggression with Sex. Sex instead of Aggression. Obviously it can be done with humanity as well. So put down your anger, put down your blame, go and have Sex, the more the better. Why frown and suffer in misery when you could be having fun. You'll have more sex and have a nicer life. Its the only answer. (sounds kind of wild, this whole page, but its all true. by the way, the Bonobos are vegetarians, while Chimpanzees who suffer more aggression are carnivores, another cause and effect relationship,
see Bonobo Sex and Society originally printed in Scientific American
http://songweaver.com/info/bonobos.html
(not my web site, so save my web info & come back soon)
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World Association on Sexology web site
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~colem001/was/
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see my web page on Health and Vegetarianism for more on the relationships between eating meat and aggression, with quotes from Einstein.
-William Christopher Holley
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Also see HUMAN SEXUALITY: part 2
http://www.archure.net/psychology/sex2.html
and see HORMONES: Estrogen & Testosterone
http://www.archure.net/salus/hormones.html
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Love Prose
http://www.archure.net/bonphilasat/prose.html
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Health & Vegetarian info
http://www.archure.net/salus/vegetarian.html
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